New Articles of Faith

I got this in an email- I might have sent it to you, but here it is again:



Articles of Faith of Mormon Culture
1. We believe in SUVs and minivans, as the form of transportation, and in knee length shorts, which are always nice, and in the multilevel marketing.

• When I saw this first one, I knew it was a great move on my part NOT to delete this email.....

2. We believe that church ball players should be punished for their own fouls, and not for unsportsmanlike aggression.

• If any of you have seen mormons play basketball, you know this is true. :)

3.. We believe that through bread crumbs, cheese, creamy soups, and rice, all casseroles can be saved through obedience to ward cookbooks and creativity in the mixing bowl.

• I don't know about you guys, but I've had some weird things at ward potlucks. And what is with LDS people and vegitable jello?!

4. We believe that the first layers and ingredients of the Dip are: first, beans; second, cheese; third, chopped tomatoes; fourth, the gift of sour cream; fifth, olives; sixth, salsa; seventh, guacamole- that is, if you have it.

• Yet another Mormon barbeque classic.

5. We believe that a Mormon should have a distinguished or a cute name, that it is appropriate to name a child after a church leader or a historical figure including an ancestor, that alternative spellings and French prefixes only add to a name, and that when referring to the names of General Authorities, middle initials should be a part thereof.

• The last part of this especially true- why do we use middle initials, anyways? Noah didn't have one... And the alternative spellings. Only in the church do we name our children, "Kortnee", "Larisa", "Karise", the list goes on and on. I do understand the ancestor one, though :D

6. We believe in the same wall decor that exists in many Mormon homes, namely, framed family proclamations, vinyl lettering, inspirational word signs, family photos, pictures of temples and Jesus, and so forth.

• My friend was over here the other day, and she asked why all mormon families have Proclamation to the World and Family Home Evening charts at their house. Then she went and looked at our family pictures. I don't think my family is missing any of the wall decor items!

7. We believe in the gift of the re-gift, church books, crafts, family photos, baked goods, emergency supply kits, and so forth.

• So true....

8. We believe in sparkling grape juice so long as it is nonalcoholic; we also believe in bringing root beer and sprite to ward parties.

• Now that I think about it, there is always sprite and root beer at ward paties.

9. We believe in all that we have scrapbooked, all that we will now scrapbook, and we believe that we will yet scrapbook many great and important things pertaining to our family, friends, pets, and vacations.

• This one made me laugh the most! We Mormons are scrapbooking queens...

10. We believe in the literal mixing of ketchup and mayo and in the generous application of ranch dressing; that CBAs (church-based acronyms) will be used to describe YM/YW, PEC, the Y, and CTR; that Mitt Romney will get Mormons to vote for him any time he runs; and, that the Mormons will enjoy reading Twilight and The Work and the Glory.

• This, out of all of them, has got to be the most true. Ketchup and mayo- I don't know any non-Mormons out there that do that. CBA's- Why do we have so many acronyms? Mitt Romney- self explanitory. Twilight and The Work and the Glory- Over half the women in our ward have read both multiple times.

11. We claim the privilege of trying to identify common acquaintances with any visitor at church, and allow all other people at church the same privilege, and let them name drop the names of Famous and general authorities how, where, or what they may.

12. We believe in being subject to scoutmasters, pampered chef hostesses, and the writers of the U.S. News and World Report Rankings for professional schools, and in obeying, honoring, and sustaining Glenn Beck.

• I've heard multiple talks refering to "Brother Beck".

13. We believe in being above average, good at crafts, optimistic, and being fifteen minutes late everywhere we go. Indeed, we may say that we follow BYU football. We believe rumors about famous people joining the church, we hope to meet the three Nephites, we have endured many pyramid schemes, and hope to be able to endure all pyramid schemes. If there is anything cheap, free, sold in bulk, or given away when somebody is moving, we seek after these things.

• The best one was saved for last. I only know of 2 LDS families that are not BYU fans. I've heard of Britney Spears, Avril Lavigne, Snoop Dog, Brad Pitt, and Kanye West joining the church. And I would venture to guess that about 1/3 of people with Costco memberships are LDS.

Until next time.

~Lindsey